Hi everyone,
Cyberstalking your ex is self-harm disguised as searching for the salve. You scan for evidence that they miss you—wondering if loneliness and longing are hidden beneath their smile. You spin the narrative to extend your hope: perhaps their new partner is just a rebound, or maybe they’re just posting those photos to make you jealous. But every time the search ends with the same misery crashing back: the relationship is over, and the pain is still there. You vow not to search them again, and maybe even block them temporarily. But after a while, the craving returns, and you find yourself indulging again. It’s a painful cycle.
Losing a relationship—especially when you thought it would last forever—doesn’t just bring sadness. It brings utter disillusionment and confusion. Cyberstalking can be an attempt to find meaning and understanding—some kind of closure. It can also feel like connection, albeit an illusory one. One reader named it “remote emotional upkeep.” This is so natural, given that your investment and concern for your ex doesn’t just disappear when the relationship ends. The desire to hold on is real.
This illusory sense of connection, along with the false narratives, can wreak havoc on your ability to heal, and can greatly contribute to relationship anxiety and overthinking. I seldom speak in absolutes, but this is an exception: cyberstalking your ex is never productive.
So what do you do when you’re tempted to search up their page? One powerful technique is “urge surfing.” The idea is that when you have an urge—whatever it is—it follows a natural progression of growing stronger and stronger until it eventually goes back down. Most people act on the urge before they get to see it decrease again.
The next time you have an urge to cyberstalk your ex (or anything else), try this:
1.) Label the feeling and the desire: “I am feeling sad and confused and have an urge to look at my ex’s Instagram.”
2.) Set a timer for five minutes and vow not to take action until that time.
3.) Take several slow, even breaths.
4.) Imagine yourself riding the urge like a wave, noticing when it feels stronger and seeing if you can wait it out.
5.) When the timer goes off, go back to what you were doing.
This is an extremely effective method, but I acknowledge it is a hard one. Try it this week with a small urge—another bite of cake, wanting to check your phone. And if you happen to try it—please hit reply for this one. I’m dying to hear about your experiences.
Until next week,
Dana
P.S. This newsletter was inspired by a reader who messaged me with this idea. If you have thoughts or ideas about future newsletters, please let me know!