Hi everyone,
Have you ever brought up a problem in your relationship only to be met with “Well what about that time YOU did (fill in the blank)?” Ever done this yourself? It’s a common pattern, but also a really destructive one.
I was thinking about the vulnerability of apologizing this week when I had to support my teenage son in making a repair. As I helped him struggle through the “embarrassment” of crafting and delivering an apology, I was reflecting on the real humility involved in this process. It can feel incredibly uncomfortable to admit when we’ve hurt someone. And that is probably why so many adults are terrible at it.
That tendency to deflect—to keep score instead of simply listening—is really about avoiding discomfort. Because pausing to really consider how your actions made another person feel? That can bring up feelings of embarrassment, regret, and shame. While this is unpleasant, it is also important, because on the other side of these feelings is real repair, real understanding, real intimacy. All the things that make relationships last.
The next time your partner tells you something you did bothered them, try this:
1.) Repeat what they are saying back to make sure you understand: “You’re upset that I forgot to take out the garbage. Is that right?”
2.) Take a moment to label to yourself what you are feeling: “I feel embarrassed and angry.”
3.) Notice where the feeling is in your body: “My face feels hot and I have a pit in my stomach.”
4.) Ask yourself if there is any part of this you can take responsibility for. Hint: there almost always is.
5.) Apologize for that piece: “I’m sorry I forgot to take out the garbage.”
Of course, life with a partner isn’t simple, and there may certainly be more that you want to say. Maybe you’re thinking of their crumpled-up towel on the bathroom floor, or that time they forgot to unload the dishwasher. But try instead to simply listen, let yourself feel whatever comes up, and apologize. Save those other complaints for another time, and you never know—you may get a heartfelt, vulnerable apology back.
Until next time,
Dana
P.S. My workbook Loving Wisely: A DBT-Informed Workbook for Relationship Anxiety and Overthinking is set to launch July 8, 2026. Reply to this email if you’d like to be a beta reader!