Hi everyone!
I’m a big fan of empathy. It’s an essential and beautiful part of genuine connection and love. And yet…strong empathy can also lead you to accept behaviors you wouldn’t otherwise tolerate, and this pattern can wreck your relationships.
How can we stay empathetic while also creating balanced, reciprocal relationships? This is where the “dialectical” part of DBT comes in.
Simply put, dialectical refers to the idea that two seemingly opposite ideas can be true at the same time. Think about it: you can love someone and at the same time feel angry with them. When you break up with someone, you can miss them and at the same time feel relieved. This is the reality of our emotional lives.
If your partner is going through a hard time, it’s important to balance your empathy for their situation with acknowledgement of how it’s affecting you. This isn’t selfish. In fact, neglecting your own needs creates resentment over time—and can actually enable your partner to stay stuck in their struggles.
The next time your partner is going through a hard time, try this:
1.) Name what you imagine they’re feeling: “I know you’re tired and had a long day at work.”
2.) Name what YOU’RE feeling and what you need: “I feel disappointed that you cancelled our plans. I need you to take our plans seriously.”
3.) Say both truths out loud to your partner: “I know you’re tired and had a long day. I also feel disappointed that you canceled our plans. I need you to keep our plans unless it’s truly an emergency.”
These conversations aren’t easy, but they are possible. Over time, they create a pattern of honesty and mutual accountability in your relationship. And even if you can’t quite bring yourself to have the conversation yet, just thinking in these terms can lead to change.
This week, notice when you’re holding two opposite truths at the same time. When you catch it happening, you might be surprised how validating it feels to name both truths.
If anything interesting comes up, hit reply—I’d love to hear about it.
Until next week,
Dana
P.S. For new subscribers, DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It’s an evidence-based therapy that teaches practical skills for managing emotions and building healthy relationships. My workbook Loving Wisely (out in May) applies DBT specifically to relationship anxiety.