HI there!
This week I’ve been thinking about how we judge ourselves for having relationship anxiety, and how that makes everything worse.
Fill in the blank: I’m too ________ to have relationship anxiety. Old? Smart? Independent? Successful? Pretty?
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking this way, you’re not alone. “Why am I still like this?” “What am I—in high school?” are common refrains in my therapy office. At the heart of this thinking is the belief that, for whatever reason, what we’re experiencing “shouldn’t” be happening to us.
This thinking is understandable: our relationships bring out the most vulnerable, unhealed part of ourselves, and for many of us, that side just doesn’t match up with the rest. You look in the mirror and see what everyone else does: a grounded, capable woman who can successfully manage her career, friendships, parenting, you name it. But when it comes to your relationship? You’re checking your phone constantly, imagining worst-case scenarios and googling “does he like me?” It’s no surprise you find your mind screaming: “I shouldn’t be this way!”
But here’s the truth: relationship anxiety is an equal opportunity struggle. It doesn’t care how successful, beautiful or put together you are. And when you chastise yourself for experiencing it, that only makes things worse. Now, not only do you have the relationship anxiety itself to deal with, but you have all the secondary emotions of guilt, shame and frustration. No wonder things get overwhelming.
The next time you’re spiraling, try this DBT approach instead:
1.) Pause and name what you’re actually feeling. Fear? Sadness? Uncertainty?
2.) Say to yourself: “It’s okay to feel [afraid, sad, uncertain]”
3.) Talk to yourself the way you would to a friend—with compassion, not criticism.
Of course, this little tweak won’t solve everything. But it’s an important first step. In DBT, we say “you have to name it to tame it.” Just identifying and validating the feeling can bring the intensity down a notch.
Try it this week. If you want, you can email me and let me know how it works.
Until next week,
Dana
P.S. My workbook Loving Wisely will be out in May. It covers all of this (and more) with exercises, examples and a clear path from anxiety to wise love.