Hi everyone,
Overthinking is the enemy of intimacy. You can’t really connect with another person when you’re stuck inside your own head.
If you struggle with relationship anxiety, all you want is to feel closer to your romantic partner. Maybe it’s a casual relationship, and you worry constantly about whether or not they really like you. Or maybe it’s your husband, and you find yourself spiraling about him never being home and wonder if you’re really a priority. Either way, relationship anxiety stems from wanting more love, more connection, more safety.
And yet, if you find yourself overthinking in your relationship, what you may not realize is how much it is pushing the other person away.
Overthinking may show up as half-listening while mentally rehearsing your next response. You are so consumed with your own “performance” that you can’t fully attune to the other person. Think about it—you finally match with your “dream guy” and he asks you out on a date. You spend hours getting ready and imagining how it will go, wondering if he will think you’re as pretty in person. By the time you’re sitting across from him at dinner, you can’t stop wondering what he is thinking about you. You can’t fully pay attention to what he is saying because you’re so worried about what you can say next. He senses this in your glazed over eyes and lack of spontaneity, and it registers as a lackluster connection.
Compare this to how you feel when you’re chatting with your best friend—fully at ease and able to listen to every word she is saying. You’re asking questions to make sure you understand exactly what she means and feeling every emotion along with her as she tells her story. Your responses come out naturally, and there’s a freedom and ease to the conversation. This is what real connection feels like.
The next time you are with your partner (or on a date), try some DBT-inspired mindfulness:
1.) Take some even breaths (4 in, 4 out).
2.) Tune into your senses. Look into their eyes and notice the sound of their voice as they are talking.
3.) Give what they are saying your full attention. Ask questions to make sure you understand.
4.) If your mind drifts, gently call it back to the moment: the sound of their voice, the expression on their face, what they are saying.
If you’re prone to overthinking, don’t expect this to be easy. Like any new skill, it takes practice. But as you develop the habit of really being present with your partner, you may find that some of those relationship worries lose their intensity. And those first dates? They may actually become fun.
Until next time,
Dana
P.S. Loving Wisely, my DBT-informed Workbook for relationship anxiety, launches July 8.