Hi everyone,
Sometimes the hardest part of walking away isn’t missing them. It’s grieving the version of the relationship you kept hoping for.
Whether it’s a short fling or a decades-long marriage, a relationship’s ending involves loss on multiple levels—the person themselves, the imagined future, the longed-for past that never got to happen. When all of this hits at once, it can be overwhelming.
Painful feelings are an inevitable part of life. No amount of therapy can eradicate them, and trying to squash or escape the feelings usually ends up making things worse. Who hasn’t tried to tell themselves they were over someone, only to have a song bring it all crashing back? We can’t hide from our feelings, but we can learn to handle them skillfully. DBT offers a roadmap for that.
One skill from DBT that is really helpful with grief is mindfulness. Simply put, mindfulness means being in the moment and accepting what is happening without judgment—accepting things as they are, not as we wish they were. A lofty goal, yes. But we can practice it in small ways in our daily life and get better with it over time.
If you are grieving the ending of a relationship (or anything else), try this:
1. Notice the feeling in your body: “I feel tightening in my chest and throat.”
2. Label the emotion: “I feel sadness.”
3. Name any wishes that accompany your feeling: “I wish he were with me” or “I wish things could have turned out differently.”
4. Bring that wish into the present moment by starting with the phrase “right now”: “Right now, I wish he were with me” or “Right now, I am wishing things could have turned out differently.”
5. Allow yourself to breathe and feel the pain of wishing things were different. Acknowledge that this is part of being human and it’s okay.
This small practice, if done regularly over time, can help you stay in the present moment and avoid analyzing and fantasizing about other versions of reality. This is mindfulness, and it makes painful emotions more tolerable.
This practice is helpful with big losses, but you don’t have to be going through something serious to try it. In fact, starting with the little things is the best way to grow your skill. Maybe your work project got negative feedback, your child got cut from the baseball team, or your planned date night got canceled.
This week, notice when you’re wishing something were different, and practice a moment of mindfulness. And don’t forget—I’d love to hear from you about how it’s going.
Until next time,
Dana
P.S. My workbook Loving Wisely launches early July. I’ll share the exact date soon!