Hi there,
This week I was thinking about ghosting, and why it can feel so devastating.
For most of human history, ghosting just wasn’t an option. You had practical and community ties that made it impossible (or at least very difficult) to spontaneously disappear from another person’s life without explanation.
No wonder we feel so bewildered when people ghost. We’ve evolved to connect, rely on one another, and care deeply. Ghosting contradicts all of that.
In my therapy office, I often hear stories about someone developing what feels like a deep connection—even texting and communicating daily—only to find that one day the other person simply vanishes. Or someone goes on a first date where everything feels great, but afterwards the other person unmatches them and disappears without explanation.
This hurts so badly. It’s not just the sting of rejection, but the tremendous uncertainty you’re left sitting with. Without a clear explanation about what happened, your mind fills in the blanks, usually with the worst possible story about yourself. Your mind spirals: What did I do wrong? Was I too much? Not enough? Did I misread everything?
Here’s what I want you to know: the fact that ghosting hurts so much does NOT signal there is something wrong with you. Your ability to connect deeply and to care is a strength—one that likely serves you well in friendships, parenting, life. But it also means that kind of treatment cuts more deeply.
Your mind will ruminate, replaying each moment, imagining that perfect closure conversation where he finally tells you the truth. But all of this overthinking only increases the pain.
Try this DBT aligned approach instead. Come back to the present moment and remind yourself of what you DO know: He disappeared. You’ll probably never know why. It hurts right now. Don’t go back and reread text messages. Don’t spend time on his social media pages. And definitely don’t try for one last conversation to get closure. It’s okay to grieve, but staying in the moment reduces a lot of unnecessary anxiety and suffering.
Also, remember this: people who ghost often lack the emotional capacity to have difficult conversations. That lack of skill would have shown up later—in bigger, messier ways. As disrespectful and hurtful as ghosting is, in some cases it is really a gift.
See you next week,
Dana
PS: My workbook Loving Wisely launches in May. It’s full of insights and skills for managing relationship anxiety. I’ll keep you posted!